Sunday, October 27, 2013

Good Bye My Sweet Boy

Fair warning: if you are a softy, or don't feel like being a little sad, probably you should not read this, but I kinda feel like I have to get it out, ya know?

First I want to thank everyone for their messages and love and prayers, I really do appreciate it.  I apologize for not responding, I'm just processing as best as I can, unfortunately, that means shutting down.  If I did respond to you, and it was curt and not Lonnie-like and made you feel awkward, once again, sorry.

Wednesday was a busy day, I had some work to get through, Lincoln came over for a bit, and then I decided to run to one more store to find a couple last things to get for the girls costumes.  I decided to go super fast with the girls after Lincoln left as to beat the traffic.  As I was driving down the road, I had a momentary thought that I couldn't remember if I put the gate to the kitchen, but there was no chocolate or anything I could remember and I really was in a hurry.  I didn't remember the bag of pirate booty I had gotten out for the kids to eat, even if I did remember it, I don't know if I would have turned around, Griz has gotten so many bags of things off the counter, its an almost everyday occurrence.  I should have remembered, I should have turned around.

I got home, after a few minutes realized that Griz was not waiting in the window, I figured I'd shut him in the bedroom and forgot, I wish I did.  I found him and instantly started my frustrated rant  when I realized he had the bag of pirate booty, until I realized it was on his head, and he wasn't moving.  In a split second I processed what happened, I processed that there was a vet hospital just down the road and maybe, just maybe they could save him, and I processed that I was home alone with my girls, and that was not something they needed to go through.  So, I shut the door, scream cried called Ryan, scream cried called Natasha (who instantly went into best friend gear and took control, getting off work as quickly as she could, getting Cortney over as quickly as she could, then took care of things, saw things and dealt with thing she shouldn't had to have, and baby sitting me for 2 mornings after, I hope I can figure out a way to repay her). Then I cried called my sister, anything to not deal with what was happening.  The sight of him, that moment I realized he was gone, I relive every time I close my eyes, that and the guilt that I could have prevented it by just turning around.  It is excruciating, the reasonable part of me knows, that really, its not my fault, I couldn't have known, it was a freak accident, but the reasonable part of me is getting beat into submission by the frantic "What did I do!?!" part.

The Girls:
My beautiful strong girls are taking this so much better than I am, when I was just sobbing and screaming on the floor, the girls gave me so many kisses and loves, Harper asked if Grizzy had run away, I told her he was gone, she looked sad for a second, and then told me she was so sorry, which she repeated numerous times since.  The day after the first thing she said to me was that she missed him, but that's it. Sawyer loved him so much, but I think she is just to little to understand, and for that I am glad, I am also so relieved they didn't see him.

There are moments when he seems a little sad, but he has not been out of my sight since this happened, he has gone everywhere with me.  I actually just left him home alone for the first time, he survived, I almost didn't.  He is officially a spoiled single dog.

The Silence:
My boy, was a massive pain in the butt.  He was always trying to steal food, no matter what I did.  Always figuring out ways to get stuff off the counter, sometimes even getting around the gate we put up.  Barking at all the things, hating all other dogs.  At night he grunted, snored, had dreams, sometimes would wake me up with a cold nose in face, just to make sure all was good.  The nights are the hardest, the silence is deafening.  

Moving On:
We will ok, someday the grief and guilt won't consume me.  The hardest part, is that for 6 years, I have gone through everything with Griz, he always knew if I just needed him to sit by my side, if I just needed to hold on to him and clutch him to me, or if I needed his goofy wiggle snuggles to make me smile, I find myself trying to hug pillows, the girls, Oscar, anything to fill the void in my arms.  Someday, Ryan won't have to be my rock, even though he is also grieving, he has been amazing, and I don't know what I would do without him.

I'll go jogging again some day, not in the woods, it was our place.  But we ordered a jogger for me to push the girls and Oscar, and I will drive us all to a different spot, it will not be the same, but maybe it will still be okay.

 Today, the girls and I left the house, I acted as normal as I could, everyday will get a bit easier, I hope.  I'm sure that to people who didn't know him, people who didn't know how much a huge part of our family he was, I'm being dramatic, but I'm sure some of you will get it.

To My Handsome Beast:
I. Am. So. Sorry.  I can't even begin to explain how bad I feel.  You were my best friend, my constant companion, my partner in crime, if the puppy love of your life is a thing, you were mine, you were, the most special of dogs.  I hope you didn't know what was happening.  I hope you were not scared.  I hope you were not in any pain.  I hope all dogs do go to Heaven, and you are running through the woods, swimming with the ducks, eating all you want without us yelling at you to leave it.  At the very least I hope you are at peace.  I really hope you know how much we loved you. 

Taken today this morning, I smiling Sawyer Belle with Oscar, who wouldn't look at me because he loves his new toy.